At some point in the future, I'm going to need to meet somebody of the male persuasion so that I don't start amassing an impressive 'personal cobweb' collection. Unfortunately, this means that I will have to go on a dreaded FIRST DATE. I have decided to prepare myself with a list of 20 bulletproof tips to success.
#1: If you decide to go in for a handshake upon first meeting, spit in your hand first. Bros for life.
#2: Open a packet of Salt & Vinegar crisps and hold them near your face to activate your salivary glands. Your date will undoubtedly be aroused by your excess of spit.
#3: Tell the most racist joke you can think of.
#4: If things aren't going well, spit directly into their eye. They'll be forced to spend the night winking at you.
#5: Explaining your bowel movements from the last seven days in great detail is guaranteed to get their motor running. They'll have no choice but to mentally picture your butthole.
#6: If your date has something in their teeth, don't tell them. Leave it for them to find during their next bathroom trip. On their return, if they ask you how long it had been there, tell them "It looked like it had been there since yesterday. When did you last have broccoli?"
#7: Complement your date on the shadow their nose casts over their upper lip.
#8: Order a whole fish. Use the head as a hand puppet to quote Star Wars. Dudes fucking love Star Wars.
#9: Pay your date a backhanded compliment to keep him on his toes. "You've got surprisingly good facial hair for a ginger."
#10: Mention everyone you have ever known who is now dead.
#11: Eat vast quantities of garlic before meeting. Breathe on them in a French accent to make yourself seem more exotic.
#12: Having a bad hair day? Wear a balaclava. Nothing says 'marriage material' like a balaclava.
#14: Talk about your ex boyfriend a LOT and mention frequently how much you hate men because of him.
#15: Frequently ask him: "Do you want some gum? I'm not planning on kissing you, it's just that your breath smells like Rice Krispies Multigrain Shapes and it's putting me off my Chateaubriand."
#16: Get as drunk as is possible without needing to get an ambulance involved.
#17: Leave your phone on the table in front of you and frequently interrupt him to tweet about how great his bulge looks.
#18: Cry a lot for no reason.
#19: If you manage to miraculously get a kiss at the end of the date, include as many of your teeth in the process as you can.
#20: Don't ever text or call him again.
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